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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30040518">Dance With Death</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceflower/pseuds/spaceflower'>spaceflower</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Angst, Break Up, Character Death, Death, Death Threats, Gun Violence, Hospitals, Hurt No Comfort, I am so sorry, I cried writing this, M/M, Mike Dodds Dies, Rafael Barba dies, Stalking, no beta we die like warriors</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:27:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,616</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30040518</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceflower/pseuds/spaceflower</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Rafael didn't take the death threats seriously and one time until it was too late.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dance With Death</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW Death, Blood, Gun Violence, Hospitals, stalking</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I apologize if the Spanish is wrong, I'm still learning.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1.</p>
<p>Rafael has been receiving threats, has been all year. He never took them seriously, most of them were hang-ups, some texts, all from a burner phone. He has been getting them ever since he indicted the three cops who shot Terrence Reynolds. People were upset with him, that wasn't new. Over the course of his career, he has sent a lot of people to jail. He received threats before, back when was with the Brooklyn District Attorney's office, even then he didn’t take them seriously. He didn’t bother to tell the squad, let alone Sonny. He knew how he would act, and he didn’t want to worry him, he had enough on his plate, to begin with. Rafael could handle the hang-ups and texts. He wasn’t worried.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first time it happened in person was when he indicted Gary Munson. It was on the steps of the courthouse. Olivia Benson and Mike Dodds were supposed to walk him out, but they walked a bit ahead of him, leaving him behind. He didn’t see the guy at first, not until he walked up to him. “Barba, you don't know me or who I am but we know a lot about you. Things people would want to know.”</p>
<p>Barba walked in front of him and down a few steps, facing him,” Is that a threat?” </p>
<p>“A threat? No. A threat would be right here, right now, I shove you down these steps and get your skull cracked open. Bleeding to death.”  Rafael’s heart started to race, but he couldn’t show any emotion, not all. </p>
<p>He stepped up on the step below the man, looking down the rest of the steps before looking back at him, “Right here in front of all these people? Maybe they wouldn't be able to save me but they sure as hell would catch you.”</p>
<p>He reached into his jacket, pulling out a piece of paper and his pen, writing a message on it, “So, amiguito, I'll tell you what. You want to kill a D.A.? Right here? Surrounded by all these cops and cameras? And spend the rest of your life in prison? Here's my home address.” Rafael got close up to his face, “You come by anytime you want.”</p>
<p>The man takes the paper and walks away, Rafael can finally breathe, he takes a few steps down as he processes what just happened. Olivia and Dodds realize Rafael isn’t behind them, they turn to see Rafael and notice something isn’t right. Olivia was the first one to reach him.</p>
<p>Olivia reaches for Rafael’s arm, “Hey, everything alright?”</p>
<p>Rafael’s voice is shaky, “Not really, someone just threatened to kill me.”</p>
<p>“What?” Liv’s voice was full of concern.</p>
<p>Dodds finally spoke up, “Who was it?” <br/>“Just a face in the crowd,” Dodds started to scan the crowd, not sure what he was looking for, anything out of the ordinary, “Tell the squad to watch their backs. This is just the beginning.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>2.</p>
<p>After the incident at the courthouse, Rafael still hasn’t told Sonny, he was surprised Liv or Dodds hasn’t told him yet either. He knows he should tell Sonny, he deserves to know, but there’s never a good time to mention that someone wants to kill you. Rafael still didn’t know who that man was, and he hasn’t shown up at his place yet, but after that encounter, the calls and texts have gotten more frequent. But still, he doesn’t pay mind to them. He deletes the texts right away without even reading them, he didn’t want to know what they wanted to do to him. He was too busy to worry. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Walking into his office for the first time that morning, he logged into his computer to check his emails. That's when he saw it. An email from an anonymous account, he was surprised it didn’t go straight to the spam folder. Against better judgment, he opened it and started to read it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Rafael Barba, </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The things I would do to you if I could get my hands on you. I have it all planned out, you know. I’m just waiting for the perfect moment to strike. There have been many chances, you should really change up your daily route. You know, for someone dating a detective, you sure are reckless. What? You thought I didn’t know about you and the pretty detective? You gotta try harder than just leaving Manhattan if you want to keep it a secret. I know everything about you, Rafael. I have eyes everywhere. I’ve been watching you for a few months now, you intrigue me. Born in the Bronx, living in an abusive household, you found a way to get out. A full academic scholarship to Havard? Graduating at the top of your class? Impressive. You’ve been working with the DA’s office for a very long time. You did well for yourself.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Still, you have to go. You are causing a lot of problems for me, and I can’t have that. Though I should thank you, really. Rikers is an excellent place to recruit people, especially people who have a grudge against you. Our numbers have doubled since last month. You have managed to piss off a lot of people, Rafael. I heard about what happened at the courthouse steps through the grapevine. That was just the start. You gave someone who threatened to kill you, your home address? I guess that Harvard degree isn’t everything it's cracked up to be. Though you did make our job slightly easier, we would have found it anyway. You have a nice place, how much does it cost a month? I wonder if it will still look nice, covered in your blood? We will find out soon. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>We are coming for you, you will never know when. Sleep with one eye open. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Your special friend!</i>
</p>
<p>A file was attached to the email, Rafael opened it. It was a bunch of pictures. Of him on his commute to and from work. Sonny and him out on dates, some of them were just Sonny. The last few pictures were of the inside of his house, his kitchen, his living room, his bedroom, of the drawers in his closet. Some of them were pictures of the pictures he has framed in his hallway. He couldn’t believe what he was looking at, or how they got into his place. The doorman doesn’t let anyone in if they don’t live there or if they aren’t on an approved list. He was starting to get spooked by everything. He deleted the email. He knows he should tell Sonny, they know about their relationship, he could be caught in the crossfire. </p>
<p>3.</p>
<p>Rafael has been acting differently since that email, he started to become distant with Sonny with no explanation. He told himself it would be easier that way. To push him away, maybe they wouldn’t hurt him. But he himself was hurting Sonny. Sonny noticed right away, he tried everything to get Rafael to tell him what was going on. But Rafael was stubborn and refused to tell him the real reason. Instead, he told him lie after lie, and he was a damn good liar. Sonny felt defeated. He usually knew how to fix things like this, but this time, he couldn’t. </p>
<p>It was late at night, they just finished dinner without speaking to each other, Sonny couldn't do it anymore, “Rafael, what is going on with you, why are you pushing me away?” </p>
<p>“Sonny, please don’t. I can't do this right now with you.” Rafael was looking everywhere but at Sonny. </p>
<p>“Do what? Care about you? Our relationship? Don’t shut me out. Whatever it is, we can get through it together. You just have to tell me.” Sonny was pleading now, trying to fight back the tears. </p>
<p>“If it concerned you, I would have told you.” Rafael’s walls were back up, his voice was cold. It hurt him to do this. </p>
<p>“Rafa, please.” </p>
<p>“I think you need to leave, Carisi.” Sonny felt his heartbreak into pieces hearing his last name. It was the final nail in the coffin. The tears were falling freely now. The two of them fell into silence, no one spoke for a few minutes. Sonny was shocked, hurt, confused. Rafael was numb. </p>
<p>“Carisi, please, go.” Rafael's voice was hoarse, but somehow still stern. </p>
<p>Sonny gave one last look at Rafael before leaving. Rafael locked the door as soon as Sonny walked through it. Sliding down it, he cried. He kept telling himself this was for Sonny. He would understand, he had to understand. </p>
<p>-<br/>The next morning Rafael woke up to the sound of his alarm, he didn’t want to go to work, but he dragged himself out of bed anyway. Walking into the bathroom, he looked in the mirror and saw how rough he looked. His eyes were red and puffy from crying last night. He looked tired. He looked broken. He brushed his teeth and did his morning routine before getting dressed. He had to stop at the precinct later, he hoped Sonny wouldn’t be there. He didn’t want to know what the other man looked like and he couldn’t see him, not this soon. </p>
<p>On his way to One Hogan Place, he stopped to get a coffee, with extra espresso. He needed it after last night and he knew the coffee in his office would not be strong enough.</p>
<p> As he walked into his office, he saw a package in a box sitting on his desk. Normally Carmen would keep them at her desk until he got into the office. He proceeded slowly to the box, dropping his coffee and briefcase as he read what was written on it. <i>From your special friend.</i> Rafael was frozen in his place, Carmen came in as soon as she heard the briefcase hit the ground. </p>
<p>“Mr. Barba, are you okay?” No response. </p>
<p>“Mr. Barba?”</p>
<p>“Call 911, now. Get the bomb squad down here.”</p>
<p>Carmen called them and they arrived shortly after. When there is a suspected bomb anywhere near civilians, they are quick, especially if it's the DA’s office. Someone must have contacted Liv because she arrived 10 minutes later with Dodds. </p>
<p>“Rafa, there's a bomb? Are you okay?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m fine.” Rafael was not fine. </p>
<p>The bomb squad carefully scanned the box before opening it. Inside they saw a homemade bomb, the timer at 1:45. 1:43. 1:42. </p>
<p>Dodds ushered Rafael and Carmen away, taking them outside. Carmen looked like she was in shock. This has never happened to her. Liv was talking to her, making sure she was okay. Dodds turned to Rafael, “What the hell happened? Do you know who would have sent you a bomb? Do you think this is connected with what happened to you at the courthouse?” </p>
<p>As soon as Rafael was about to answer, his phone started to ring. He reached into his pocket and answered it, “Barba”</p>
<p>“Ah Rafael, you got my present I see.” Rafael looked at Dodds before walking away. </p>
<p>“What the hell do you want?”<br/>“No need to be hostile, Rafael. We’re friends. You didn’t enjoy the gift?” He couldn’t recognize the voice, he has never heard it before, part of it was also being distorted. </p>
<p>“What do you think? I don’t know who you are, but I will find out and make sure you never see the outside of a jail cell ever again.” Rafael heard a laugh at the other end of the line.</p>
<p>“Oh that won't happen, I'm not worried. I’ll make sure of that, though I am a bit disappointed that you didn’t open the gift, I would have loved to see your face.” </p>
<p>“You don’t scare me. You-” He got cut off before.</p>
<p>“Is that why you broke up with the detective? Don’t act surprised Rafael, I told you I have eyes everywhere. Do you think that is wise? You leave yourself defenseless in your own home.” </p>
<p>“I will be fine, like I said, you don’t scare me. I broke up with him because for different reasons, which none concern you. Do not call me anymore.” Rafael hung up, Liv and Mike walked up to him. </p>
<p>“Who was that?”</p>
<p>“Wrong number, just a telemarketer.” Liv and Dodds looked at each other, not believing him. </p>
<p>“Mr. Barba, It’s safe to come back in. We disarmed the bomb. It was a good thing you called us when you did, we got it just before the time ran out.” Rafael could only nod. </p>
<p>They cleared out of there and Rafael and Carmen went back in. Carmen was still shaken about what just happened, he told her to go home for the day and if she needed more time, to call him. She was thankful and packed her stuff and left. </p>
<p>“Rafa, are you sure you’re okay?” </p>
<p>“Yes Liv, I am fine. You can go back to the precinct, I have some case files I need to look over and I will come around after lunch.” </p>
<p>“Do you need Carisi’s help?” Rafael paused his writing at the mention of Carisi, continuing a second later, “ I’m sure he won't mind helping and keeping you company.” Dodds offered. </p>
<p>“No need to send detective Carisi, I am okay. I rather go through these myself alone.” </p>
<p>Liv and Dodds looked at Rafael then at each other, shrugging their shoulders. </p>
<p>“Alright then, I will see you later.” With that, both of them left. Rafael leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Rafael walked into the precinct three hours later, he did everything he could to ignore Sonny. Sonny looked miserable. He wasn’t his cheerful self. He was quiet, kept his head down. Only spoke when he had to. </p>
<p>“Counselor, I heard what happened earlier, glad you’re okay.” Despite what people say, detective Rollins cared about the ADA, he might annoy her at times, she still cared.</p>
<p>“It was an eventful morning, Liv in her office?” Rollins nodded. Rafael walked into Liv’s office.</p>
<p>“Rafa, how are you? How’s Carmen?” Liv asked, offering for Rafael to sit in the chair in front of her desk. </p>
<p>“I am fine, Carmen is a bit shaken up, I sent her home for the day. It’s gonna take more than a bomb to get rid of me,” Rafael crossed his legs, “If someone wanted to kill me, I’m sure I would be dead by now.” Rafael let out a small chuckle, amused with himself. </p>
<p>“Be careful with what  you say, Rafael.”</p>
<p>Be careful indeed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>4.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rafael was walking home after a late-night in the office. He knew he shouldn’t have stayed that late, but he got lost in writing his opening statement. He wasn’t confident about this case, there was no evidence that isn’t circumstantial, and he had to make sure he crossed every T and dotted every I. </p>
<p>He made it home, he saw his door cracked open, light peeking out of the cracks. Against his better judgment, he walked into his apartment. I wish Sonny was here. Rafael thought but quickly shook that thought away as he saw someone sitting on his couch. </p>
<p>“Rafael, you’re home late. I’ve been waiting for hours for you. It’s not polite to keep people waiting.”</p>
<p>“How did you get in?” Rafael stayed by the door. </p>
<p>“That doesn’t matter, I’m here for a reason.” The man got up from the couch and made his way over to Rafael, his face covered. “It’s good to be face to face with you finally. I’ve waited for this moment for a long time.” Before Rafael knew what happened, he was turned around and pushed up against the door. He felt a knife on his lower back, “I planned on killing you tonight, but you took too long to come home. We were going to have a fun night, well, I would have fun. You would be too dead to enjoy yourself.”</p>
<p>Rafael felt the tip of the knife pushing against his skin more, “You will die at my hands Rafael, you hear me? You won’t know when you don't know how and you won't see it coming. I want to put on a show, maybe it will be in front of everyone. Maybe it will be in front of Carisi.” </p>
<p>The next thing Rafael knew, he woke up with his head hurting. The man must have knocked him out before leaving. Rafael was officially terrified. He couldn’t do much, the room was spinning. He managed to get himself to bed before passing out again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>5.</p>
<p>Rafael was in the elevator, texting someone on his phone, not paying attention to who's coming in and out of the elevator. The elevator stopped, everyone got out beside him. The doors started to close when someone sneaked in right as they shut. Rafael was still looking at his phone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Abogado,” That got Rafael's attention, looking up he saw the man that threatened him at the courthouse. “A second later, I would have missed you.” The man stepped closer and Rafael looked towards the emergency button on the elevator, the man stepping in front of it.</p>
<p>“That alarm's not going to help you.” He steps closer to Rafael as Rafael pushes as far back as he could. </p>
<p>“What do you want? Who sent you?” </p>
<p>“Well, that's the thing, Rafael. You've made so many enemies, you have no way of knowing, do you? The same way you won't hear the bullet that's coming for you.</p>
<p>The elevator dinged and the doors opened, the man took off. Rafael quickly sounded the alarm and told the officers that tried to get onto the elevator, “I’m a New York City ADA, that man just threatened me.” He pointed to the man who took off, “Shut the building down, and get that security footage” </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Rafael was back in his office with Rollins and Carisi, he was looking at a screenshot from the security footage of the man who threatened him. He was sitting in his chair while Rollins and Carisi were on either side of him, “That's the guy”</p>
<p>“Okay, so you said he threatened you twice, when was the first time?” Rollins asked, crossing her arms over her chest.</p>
<p>“Uh,” Rafel crossed his arms across his chest as well, “After the Munson indictment, he stopped me in front of the courthouse and said that he could throw me down the stairs and crack open my skull.”  Carisi was shocked, his mouth fell open, he took a seat on Rafael’s desk. </p>
<p>“Why didn't you tell us about that?” Despite what happened between them, he still cared. </p>
<p>“I've been getting threats all year.” Carisi looked towards Rollins in disbelief. </p>
<p>“All year? So this may have nothing to do with Rikers. When did the threats start? What kind of threats?” </p>
<p>Rafael sighed, “It started with hang-ups, mostly, on my cell from burners; a few texts. It escalated from there. I got an email from someone, it was one of those burner emails, saying he couldn’t wait to get his hands on me and the things he could do.” Rafael paused and his eyes quickly landed on Carisi, he caught it, “He knew things that others did not know. He had pictures of me, of some other people in my life, pictures of inside my apartment, he said ‘I wonder if it will still look nice, covered in your blood?’”</p>
<p>“You remember that bomb that was in my office a while ago? That was from him. I don’t know who it was. One night he managed to break into my apartment and waited for me until I got home. He wanted to kill me there, but said he wanted to put on a show.” </p>
<p>“Why didn’t you call 911?” Carisi asked. Things started to make sense to him now.</p>
<p>“I would have, but he hit me across the head and I passed out.” </p>
<p>“Okay, we're running this through facial recognition. I'm calling Intel, get you a security detail.” Rollins grabbed the iPad and started to walk away, Carisi still sitting on his desk. </p>
<p>“Is there someone there you trust?” Rollins stopped and turned back towards him, “The threats started after I indicted the three cops who shot Terrence Reynolds.” Carisi shot up from his spot, he was having a hard time trying to comprehend everything. </p>
<p>“I’m calling Benson.” Rafael threw his head back and turned in his chair. Rollins walked out and called Benson, leaving Carisi and Rafael alone.</p>
<p>“Is that why you pushed me away? Why wouldn't you tell me anything? I deserve to know, Rafael.” </p>
<p>Rafael sighed, “Yes. I didn’t want you to get sucked into this. I didn’t want to risk them outing you or hurting you.” Sonny shook his head.</p>
<p>“Right, so you decided to hurt me yourself. You don’t get to make decisions for me. I don’t care what they would have done to me, I care about you.” Rafael didn’t have anything to say for once, “I loved you and I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you, and knowing I could have prevented it. You should have told me.” </p>
<p>“I know, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t admit it to myself but I was scared and I did what I used to do when I was scared as a kid, shut people out and act like everything is fine.” Sonny waited for him to continue, knowing he had more to say.</p>
<p>“It was selfish, I know. When they first started, I didn’t take them seriously, It happened before in Brooklyn. They only recently started getting this bad.” </p>
<p>Rollins came back in, frantic, “We need to go, now.” Sonny looked confused, “It’s Dodds. Munson is holding him and Lisa, in the house, Liv thinks he’s armed. We have to go.”</p>
<p>“What about Rafael?” </p>
<p>“Someone will be here, until then, one of the security guards will be posted outside.” She turned to Rafael, “Do not leave this office until they come, understand?” He nodded, Rollins left the office. </p>
<p>Sonny looked at him and sighed, wanting to say something, he left and followed Rollins out the door. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>+1</p>
<p>Rafael hated the security detail but knew it was important. Ever since he was assigned them, he hasn’t heard from his special friend, and the guy who threatened him in the elevator had been arrested. He knew he was out of the blue, but he could relax a little more. He was finally able to go back to work after a month, he still had his security detail. He had them posted at his apartment 24/7 and his office at work. It was strange having them around, he couldn’t go anywhere without them and had to let them survey the area before he could go in. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He hasn’t spoken to Sonny unless he had to for work, which Sonny tried to avoid at all cost. He was hurt. Rafael made a choice for him, a choice that wasn’t up to him. Sonny still cares about him, still loves him, but he needs time. Rafael knew that he would give him all the time in the world. Anything to get Sonny back. </p>
<p>They were still looking for the other man, but it's like he never existed. Every lead they had led them to a dead-end or threw them completely off track. Everyone was getting frustrated. This was a priority case for the NYPD. Rafael made sure his mother was okay, they placed a security detail on her as well, just as a precaution. </p>
<p>Rafael had court, his first one since being allowed back. It was a big one, and very public. The media was in the courtroom. They had to tighten the detail around Rafael because of the threat, ‘I want to put on a show for everyone.’ and what bigger way to put on a show than in front of the media, who records everything? Rafael was nervous, Sonny was a wreck. He almost didn’t want to be in there, but he knew he had to, for added safety measures. That’s what he told himself. He didn’t believe that. He's more scared now than he was when he took the bar. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything was going well, it's the third day without problems, things are looking in Rafael's favor. The jury was starting to see the defendant for who he is. He was about to call the next witness when the doors opened and someone yelled his name. </p>
<p>“Rafael!” </p>
<p>Before he could react he heard the gunshots. He felt them tear through his body, one through the abdomen, and one next to his heart, nicking it. He heard screaming and he touched his stomach and his hands were covered in blood. He felt arms wrap around him, pulling him to the ground. He was disoriented but he knew it was Sonny helping him. He looked up at Sonny, panic across his face. </p>
<p>“S-Sonny” Rafael choked out, blood coming out of his mouth.</p>
<p>“It's me, Rafi, it’s me.” Sonny started putting pressure on the wounds, trying to stop the bleeding, “Stay with me. Stay with me, Rafael.” </p>
<p>“It… It hurts” Rafael started to close his eyes.</p>
<p>“I know, I know it hurts. Keep your eyes open, come on, open them. Keep talking to me. A bus is coming.” Sonny started praying. </p>
<p>The courtroom was in chaos, at the sound of the first gunshot, people ducked. At the second, they started to run. Every officer in the courtroom drew their guns, the attacker surrendered right away. He smiled as he saw Rafael go down. Sonny immediately jumped from his seat and ran to Rafael. </p>
<p>“I-I’m sorry.” Rafael’s voice was faint<br/>“This isn’t your fault Rafi.” Sonny looked around, “Where is the damn bus!” </p>
<p>“It's coming, it should be here any minute,” Liv called out</p>
<p>Rafael passed out but was still breathing, it was slowing down. Sonny put as much pressure as he could, slowing down the blood loss. But Rafael had already lost a lot of blood. </p>
<p>“Don’t leave me, Rafael, not like this, please not like this. Please hold on.” Sonny was crying now. </p>
<p>“They’re here! Move! Everyone move!” </p>
<p>“Sonny.” Sonny was deep in thought, not hearing them.</p>
<p>“Carisi, you need to move, let them do their job.” Fin shook Carisi, grabbing him and helping him up. Sonny was covered in Rafael's blood, he stood there watching them load Rafael onto the gurney. They started to leave when Rafael grabbed Sonny’s hand. He wanted Sonny to come with him. </p>
<p>They got him into the ambulance, leaving the courthouse with the lights and sirens blaring. Sonny held onto Rafael’s hand, staying out of the way. He held his rosary in his other hand, praying once again. The rest of the squad was following close behind. Rafael was in and out of consciousness. They made it to the hospital, they quickly pushed him inside the emergency room. </p>
<p>“GSW to the chest and abdomen, he lost a lot of blood” The paramedic informed the ER nurse. They were pushing him towards the OR.</p>
<p>“Sir, you have to stay here, you can't go in. We will let you know.” Sonny looked through the window on the door until he was out of sight. </p>
<p>Sonny made his way to the waiting room, the blood on his hands has now dried. He started to pace. The squad was coming in shortly after, Sonny didn’t see them. All he could think about was Rafael, about how the squad just went through his last month with Dodds, now Rafael. He can't handle any more loss. The squad saw the state Sonny was in, </p>
<p>“Sonny, we should get you cleaned up, come on.” Liv placed a hand on Sonny’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“I should have known.” Liv, Amanda, and Fin had a confused look on their faces.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” </p>
<p>“I should have known something was wrong, he was acting differently, he pushed me away. I’m a detective and I didn’t see what was happening with my own boyfriend.” Sonny was looking at the ground, not being able to look at the rest of them in fear of breaking down again.</p>
<p>“Boyfriend?” Amanda blurted out, surprised. </p>
<p>“Well, ex-boyfriend,” Sonny sighed, “I asked him after dinner what was going on, he shut down, and told me it didn’t concern me, then he told me to leave. I should’ve known.” </p>
<p>“Sonny, you couldn’t have known. None of us did. He didn’t want us to know, and you know how he is about things like that. Don’t blame yourself.” </p>
<p>“I was with him every night, and almost every day. I knew him more than you guys did. I got to see Rafael after hours, the one who was relaxed, I know things about him that even you don’t know, Liv!” Sonny was starting to fall apart, the tears rushing down his face again.</p>
<p>“He never kept anything from me when we were together, now I might lose him.” Sonny collapsed on the chair, hunched over crying into his hands. Liv sat next to him, rubbing his back.</p>
<p>“Rafael is a fighter, he will pull through.” Sonny looked over at her, his eyes starting to get puffy.</p>
<p>“How do you know that? He lost a lot of blood, Liv. No one can survive that much blood loss.” </p>
<p>They fell silent, not knowing what to say. He was right, and where he was shot, it wasn’t likely that he would survive. It would be a miracle if he did. </p>
<p>“Oh god.” </p>
<p>“What is it, Sonny?”</p>
<p>“Lucia. Someone needs to tell her that Rafael was shot. She needs to be here.” </p>
<p>“I’ll call her,” Fin spoke for the first time, grabbing his phone he walked away from the waiting room into a side room to make the call. Unis would go and pick her up and bring her to the hospital.</p>
<p>Twenty minutes later, Lucia walked into the waiting room, you could tell she had been crying. Sonny got up and walked to her, pulling her into a hug. </p>
<p>“Lucia, I am so sorry.” Lucia hugged Sonny tightly.</p>
<p>“Sonny, this is not your fault, Rafi would not want you blaming yourself.” She placed her hand on Sonny’s cheek, giving him a small smile.</p>
<p>Hours have passed and still no news on Rafael’s condition. Amanda went and got coffee for everyone. Fin went to go pick up a new set of clothes for Sonny to change into. They all sat next to each other but didn’t say anything. Liv has been on the phone with another officer. The man who shot Rafael was heading to Rikers. He confessed to everything, he was proud of what he had done. He showed no remorse. </p>
<p>A doctor came out, and everyone stood up. </p>
<p>“For Mr. Barba?” He asked, Lucia took a step forward.</p>
<p>“I’m his mother.” He motioned for her to follow him into a different room. </p>
<p>The doctor sighed, he hated doing this. It never got easier. </p>
<p>“We got the bleeding to stop. The first bullet tore up his abdomen, tearing up vital organs, He went in and tried to fix as much as we could. The second one glazed his heart, not doing any permanent damage, we were able to repair that just fine.” Lucia was listening to everything the doctor said. </p>
<p>“But?” There is always a ‘but’ in these situations. </p>
<p>“But the damage the first gunshot did and the significant amount of blood he lost, and coding on us multiple times, there is not a huge chance of survival. He’s lucky he even made it to the hospital. He can’t breathe on his own, he’s on life support right now. There are options you have,” He paused, trying to give Lucia enough time to understand everything, “We can do everything he can to make him comfortable until he passes on his own, which we don’t have a timetable on when that would be, or you have the decision of taking him off life support. I know it's a lot to take in. I will give you some time so you can decide. I am sorry.” </p>
<p>Lucia was in shock. She wasn’t supposed to lose her son, he wasn’t supposed to die before she was. Her only child. Her baby. The only person she had left in her life. It wasn’t fair. “Can we see him?” </p>
<p>“Of course. He is in room 307 when you’re ready.” </p>
<p>She made her way back to everyone, the look on her face gave it away. </p>
<p>“He’s on life support, they said there wasn’t a huge chance of survival, not with the injuries he sustained. They gave me two options. Either way, I lost my son.” Sonny made his way to her before she collapsed, she cried into his chest. He did everything he could to comfort her. </p>
<p>“We can go see him if you want. He’s in room 307. I don’t know if I can do it.” Lucia confessed. </p>
<p>“We will do it together,” Sonny placed a kiss on her forehead, he is trying to be strong for her, “Come on.” </p>
<p>Lucia and Sonny walked into Rafael’s room first, Sonny still had his arm around her, being her physical and emotional crutch. They stopped in front of his door, they took a deep breath and walked through the door. Rafael was laying on the bed, tubes going down his throat, helping him breathe, the only thing keeping him alive. The faint beeping of the machine filled the otherwise quiet room. This felt all too familiar to Sonny. He hated it. Lucia let go of Sonny and made her way to the side of his bed, Sonny going to the other side. She grabbed one of his hands with her own. Stroking her thumb over the top of his hand. No one said anything, they just wanted to be in the moment. </p>
<p>Liv, Amanda, and Fin came in shortly after, staying by the door. Liv was crying, Amanda was trying not to, and Fin looked collected but he was falling apart too. They all stood together watching Sonny and Lucia. </p>
<p>“Do you think he can hear us?” Sonny asked, looking at him, brushing the hair away from his forehead. </p>
<p>“I think so,” Lucia said softly. </p>
<p>“Hey Rafi, It’s Sonny, I'm not sure if you can hear me, but your mom is here. So is Liv, Amanda, and Fin. We haven’t left. We arrested the guy who did this to you, he’s going to go away for a long time. I promise you.” Sonny could feel the tears coming again, he had to stop. He looked at the others to continue. </p>
<p>“Mi precioso hijo. No se suponía que morirías antes que yo.” </p>
<p>No mother was supposed to say goodbye to her child. They shouldn’t outlive them. It wasn’t fair. </p>
<p>Liv, Amanda, and Fin all said their goodbyes and their final piece with him. They shared their favorite stories about him. What they will miss the most about him. Fin was the first one to leave, while he respected Rafael, he didn’t know him as well as the others. Then it was Amanda’s turn. At first, she hated him, thought he was rude, she still thought that but knew he cared deeply about getting justice for the victims. He cared about his job and was good at it. </p>
<p>Liv took her time saying goodbye. He was her best friend. They grew close over the last handful of years. She knew she should have put detail on him after the first incident, and once again after what happened with Dodds. She feels guilty. She said goodbye, tears in her eyes. She couldn’t be around for when he went, whenever that was. It would be too painful for her. </p>
<p>It was just Sonny and Lucia left, it was late. Neither one wanted to leave Rafael’s side, in case a miracle happened and he woke up. They both knew it wouldn’t happen, but one could have faith. Nurses came in every hour to see how Rafael was doing, along with the two of them. It was quiet in the room. </p>
<p>“I loved him, you know,” Sonny said, breaking the silence between them.</p>
<p>“I know you did, Sonny. He loved you too. He would never stop talking about you when he came to visit. He told me you were the one he wanted to marry someday,” Lucia smiled at the memory, “Thank you for making my son happy. I haven’t seen him that happy since the day he was accepted into Harvard. I know how much he meant to you and vice versa.” </p>
<p>“He meant everything to me, he has helped me grow as a cop, and as a person. He inspired me in every way possible. I owe him for helping me with law school and passing the bar. I know if he could he would say that I did it on my own, but it was his constant support that helped me.” The both of them let out a small laugh. </p>
<p>“He’s the type of lawyer I’ve always wanted to be.” </p>
<p>“He is proud of you, you know.” </p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>Lucia eventually fell asleep in the chair next to his bed. Sonny couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard he tried. He had the chance to say everything he wanted to say but couldn’t in front of everyone. </p>
<p>“Rafael. God, I hate seeing you like this. I hate how this is how we have to say goodbye. Why couldn’t you just have told us what was happening! We could have done something, this didn’t have to happen. I can’t go on without you. I don’t want to. You were my everything, you were the first person I truly fell in love with. Now you are being taken from me. I can’t imagine a world with you gone.” </p>
<p>“It’s going to be weird not having you around. I think I’m going to make the switch to the DA’s office. I hope I can do you justice and make you proud of the lawyer I will become. I know I could never be as good as you, you are as good as they get. I was lucky to be able to witness it and not just talk about it in class. I don't know if I mentioned that, but we talked a lot about your cases. I always mentioned that I work with you. I guess now, It’s ‘I worked with you.’”</p>
<p>Sonny stopped to collect himself, “I don’t think I will ever get used to having to use past tense with you. You’re going to be a part of me until I die, Rafael. I will make sure my children if I ever have any, know about you and the great things you did. I will make sure your legacy lives on. You deserve it, Rafi.”</p>
<p>“I love you, Rafael Barba, I have since the first time I saw you, and I will love you until the end of time. I know we'll find each other again in another life. You’ll just have to wait for me to get there. I will never forget you.” Sonny kissed Rafael's forehead. </p>
<p>“It’s okay to let go, my love. It’s okay to move on. I will look after your mother, you don’t have to worry about her. She is in good hands, I promise you. I will be okay, too. I have a good support system. I’m going to miss you, I will visit you every day, I will leave you flowers. I will share the good news with you, even the bad news too. I’ll tell you about my future cases.”</p>
<p>“I know you will always be with me. Be free my dear, it’s time to let go.” </p>
<p>A few minutes later, he was gone. </p>
<p>“Goodbye my love, until we meet again.”</p>
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